Dealing with Cops - Advanced Techniques
Suggested Behavior When Stopped in Your Car
1. Don't open the doors and watch eeriely how the cops walk around the car.
2. Buckle behind the wheel, scream something like: Nobody's gonna get the
[insert your favorite cartoon character here]!
3. Say suddenly: 'I know what you're looking for!'
4. Suggest dealing with this matter 'like men'.
5. Close all doors and windows and press your lips against the glass.
6. Grap under the seat saying 'I have something for you!'
7. Ask: 'Would you like to see what we've got here, officer?'
8. Ask: 'And what's _your_ phone number?'
9. Tell him that you've been a very bad girl...
10. Ask to touch his uniform.
11. Wear a cowboy hat and answer in a way John Wayne would.
12. Say at once: 'Maybe you're interested to know what's in the trunk.'
13. Request: 'Please say that again, officer.'
14. Always offer a drink.
15. Refer to him as earthling.
16. When you belong to some minority in society, it may be a good opportunity
to express your views on the fascistoid state.
17. Shake hands with him and ask how the business has been lately.
18. Ask questions like:
You wear things like that in private?
19. Is that real leather?
20. You have used these handcuffs?
21. Can you show me your gun?
22. Are you... afraid of me, officer?
23. Won't you like to, you know, search me for weapons and stuff?
24. You've been in the war, son?
25. Music selection: Cop Killer by Body Count
26. Ask whether he had heard or seen 'that', too. Don't be too specific about
27. Tell him that you like the way his hat looks.
28. End your sentences with '...but we both sure do know what this is all
29. Answer in some foreign language.
30. Insult him in some foreign language he doesn't understand. If he does, you
may have a problem.
31. Begin your sentences with 'In the army we used to say...'
32. Ask: 'Do you want to know what happened to the last person who wanted to
know such things?'
33. When he approaches your car, scream 'I don't go to prison, I don't...!'
Copyright 1998 by Dace.